The American Masculinity Podcast is hosted by Timothy Wienecke — licensed psychotherapist, Air Force veteran, and award-winning men's advocate. Real conversations about masculinity, mental health, trauma, fatherhood, leadership, and growth. Each episode offers expert insight and practical tools to help men show up differently — as partners, fathers, friends, and leaders. No yelling. No clichés. Just grounded, thoughtful masculinity for a changing world.
Episode Summary
Being a man online has never been louder, sharper, or more polarized. Every day, millions of men are fed short, confident answers to complex human problems. Confidence is praised. Control is celebrated. Certainty is rewarded. But much of today’s viral masculinity advice is built on partial truths that, when taken at face value, quietly lead men into isolation, rigidity, and relational failure.
In this episode, Timothy breaks down ten of the most widely shared masculinity clips circulating right now. Rather than attacking the creators, he adds the missing context, psychological nuance, and clinical reality that short-form content cannot hold. The goal is not to tear down masculine values, but to refine them.
This conversation moves through attraction and power, discipline and self-worth, vulnerability and leadership, sex and commitment, and the subtle ways biological explanations can become excuses for emotional avoidance. Timothy unpacks why some advice feels strong but produces fragile men, and how competence, connection, and accountability must develop together.
You’ll hear us explore:
- Why “dark triad” attraction is often misunderstood, and how confidence without character becomes manipulation.
- Self-control vs. self-mastery: When discipline builds dignity, and when it turns into shame.
- Male depression beyond pathology: How belonging, purpose, and systems matter as much as mindset.
- Vulnerability and relationships: Why men often speak only when they break, and how to communicate before collapse.
- Sex as a marketplace vs. sex as attachment: Why uncommitted success often produces deeper loneliness.
- Marriage and commitment: What actually predicts long-term well-being for men.
- Shoulder-to-shoulder connection: How men bond through action, and why range in connection keeps men alive.
- Solitude as training, not escape: When stepping back heals, and when it becomes avoidance.
- Masculine communication: Why ball-busting works, where it fails, and what healthy emotional range looks like.
This episode is not about rejecting masculinity. It’s about rescuing it from oversimplification. It’s an invitation to build strength that can think, discipline that can feel, and confidence that does not require disconnection to survive.
Host Information
- Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and founder of American Masculinity, with a clinical and educational focus on men’s mental health, relationships, and leadership development.
- Practicing clinician and men’s work facilitator, specializing in emotional regulation, relational skill-building, and trauma-informed approaches to male psychology and behaviour.
- Bridges clinical insight, systems thinking, and cultural analysis to challenge oversimplified narratives about masculinity and replace them with skill-based, developmentally grounded models.
- Focus areas include masculine development, mental health literacy for men, relational competence, leadership under stress, accountability, and building sustainable male strength.
Note: Timothy appears in this episode in a personal and professional capacity. The views expressed are his own and do not represent any licensing boards, professional associations, or organizations with whom he may be affiliated.
We fact-checked the following claims against a mix of classical moral/ethical thought and contemporary empirical research in psychology. Below are the most important confirmations and clarifications for accuracy and nuance.
1. Younger Women Are Attracted to “Dark Triad” Traits
What was said: Younger women are attracted to "Dark Triad" traits (narcissism, psychopathy) because they mimic competence. (Jordan Peterson) Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/2CCn_kxj8n8 (1.3 mil views)
Status: Lacks Clarification
Details: Empirical research suggests that some women, particularly those in younger age groups, may find the so-called Dark Triad personality traits like narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, attractive. However, the precise mechanism proposed by Peterson is not supported by the scientific literature. According to him, these characteristics primarily attract women because they convey competence. The scientific literature does not support this. According to a number of peer-reviewed studies, younger women typically find high Dark Triad male personalities more attractive than older women, and characters or individuals with high Dark Triad traits are occasionally rated as more attractive by women, especially in short-term or specific mating contexts. This implies that preferences vary according to age.
Nevertheless, the "mimicking competence" theory is not specifically tested in these studies. The literature frames these characteristics in terms of sociosexual preferences rather than perceived competence per se. However, research on female ratings of Dark Triad personalities suggests that characteristics associated with short-term mating strategies (e.g., confidence, charm, risk-taking) may contribute to perceived attractiveness.
Additionally, evolutionary psychology theories like strategic pluralism imply that women may occasionally emphasize genetic fitness indicators (such as dominance or confidence) in short-term circumstances, but this is complicated and cannot be reduced to a straightforward "mimicking competence" argument.
Sources: Carter, G. L., Campbell, A. C., & Muncer, S. (2014). The dark triad personality: Attractiveness to women. Personality and Individual Differences, 56, 57-61. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.08.021
Qureshi, C., Harris, E., & Atkinson, B. E. (2016). Relationships between the age of females and attraction to the Dark Triad personality. Personality and Individual Differences, 95, 200-203. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.047
Why it matters for men: Men's self-awareness and dating decisions depend on their ability to comprehend why particular characteristics seem appealing. Men may engage in unhealthy or antisocial behaviour if Dark Triad features are mistaken for true skill. According to research, attraction varies depending on the environment. Character, empathy, or emotional maturity are not the same as confidence and social assertiveness, which may be attractive in some circumstances. Trust, emotional intelligence, and compatibility are the qualities that promote long-term partnerships and personal development. These are much more strongly associated with long-term attraction. Recognizing this helps men focus on traits that genuinely foster sustainable relationships and personal growth.
2. Men Gain More Self-Esteem by Rejecting Women.
What was said: Men gain more self-esteem by rejecting women than by accepting them. (Sadia Khan; on the Chris Williamson podcast).
Link: https://youtu.be/_CyOBIMvdb4 (2.5 mil views)
Status: False/Pseudoscience
Details: There is no solid psychological evidence to support the claim that men feel better about themselves when they reject women than when they embrace them. According to scientific research on self-esteem, self-worth is a complicated concept that is impacted by a variety of elements, such as social ties, cultural standards, and individual accomplishments. Meta-analytic research indicates that there are only slight and context-dependent gender variations in global self-esteem, and that both men and women derive their self-esteem from relationships and achievements rather than only romantic approval or rejection.
According to some research, men's self-esteem may be influenced by their social status and whether or not they are in a relationship, but this does not mean that rejection boosts self-esteem more than acceptance. For instance, research indicates that men's self-esteem may be related to their perceived social status and relationship status, but positive relationships and acceptance are typically associated with higher self-esteem rather than rejection.
Additionally, social psychology shows that while rejection tends to diminish self-esteem for all genders, acceptance and belongingness are basic human needs that increase it. Based on sociometer theory, self-esteem serves as a measure of social inclusion; rejection usually indicates a lower social value, which lowers rather than raises self-esteem.
Source: Zuckerman, M., Li, C., & Hall, J. A. (2016). When men and women differ in self-esteem and when they don’t: A meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality, 64, 34-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2016.07.007
Kwang, T., Crockett, E. E., Sanchez, D. T., & Swann Jr, W. B. (2013). Men seek social standing, women seek companionship: Sex differences in deriving self-worth from relationships. Psychological Science, 24(7), 1142-1150. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612467466
Why it matters for men: Men's attitudes about relationships and their own psychological well-being can be influenced by their beliefs about how self-esteem is acquired. Accurately understanding self-esteem enables men to avoid negative coping mechanisms that impede intimacy and personal development, create healthier relationships, and achieve true self-worth regardless of love results.
3. Men Are Biologically Wired to Think “Forward”.
What was said: Men are biologically wired to think "forward" (sex, sports, jobs) and don't replay conversations, unlike women who are naturally more reflective/relational (Charlie Kirk).
Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/wu30uRpws4s (4.37 mil views)
Status: Pseudoscience, needs clarification.
Details: There are certain average cognitive differences between men and women, according to a scientific study. For example, women have slight advantages in verbal or social cognition, while males perform somewhat better on specific visuospatial tasks. These distinctions, however, are slight, widely overlapping, and context-dependent, and they refute the idea that women are inherently replaying talks whereas men are "wired" to look ahead. Women may ruminate a little more on average, according to meta-analyses, but the effect size is tiny and cannot support broad biological generalizations.
Although sex-based brain differences are also documented in neuroscience, experts stress that these variations do not result in inflexible, hardwired thought patterns. There is much more variation inside each sex than between them, and the human brain functions as a mosaic of features. Tendencies are influenced by biology rather than rigid mental scripts.
Lastly, socialization has a significant impact on how men and women think and speak. Culture, education, and personality have a significant impact on relational attention, emotional introspection, and conversational patterns. The assertions that women are inherently more relational or that men are biologically incapable of introspection are not supported by scientific data; rather, they are cultural stereotypes.
Sources: Johnson, D. P., & Whisman, M. A. (2013). Gender differences in rumination: A meta-analysis. Personality and individual differences, 55(4), 367-374. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.03.019
Why it matters for men: Stereotypes that hinder interpersonal and emotional development can be strengthened by supporting simplistic or biologically deterministic ideas about how men think. Men may be deterred from developing self-reflection, communication skills, and emotional intelligence, all crucial for positive relationships and mental health, if they are told they are "wired" to favour sex or career over emotions. On the other hand, rather than being confined to simplistic gender narratives, men are encouraged to recognize both individual distinctions and common human cognitive capacities by comprehending sophisticated scientific facts.
4. Thwarted Belongingness and Male Suicide.
What was said: The top correlate with male suicide is "thwarted belongingness" (rejection when trying to connect), not necessarily clinical depression; many are not mentally ill but see no objective way out. (Dr. K (HealthyGamerGG) on Diary of a CEO)
Status: True Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/PCtpYTiyoP0 (6.3 mil views)
Details: Modern suicide research, especially Thomas Joiner's Interpersonal-Psychological Theory of Suicide (IPTS), provides compelling evidence for this assertion. According to IPTS, two interpersonal states, perceived burdensomeness (the idea that one is a burden to others) and thwarted belongingness (chronic loneliness, social rejection, or lack of meaningful connection), are the main causes of suicidal intention. Thwarted belongingness is a strong and independent predictor of suicide ideation, even in men, according to a large body of empirical data.
Significantly, extensive epidemiological and psychological research reveals that, despite experiencing misery, hopelessness, or situational crises, a significant percentage of individuals who commit suicide do not fit the diagnostic criteria for a mental disorder at the time of death. This is particularly important for men, who are more likely to be socially isolated, less likely to seek mental health therapy, and less likely to acquire official diagnoses. Loneliness, perceived rejection, and a lack of social integration are among the biggest predictors of male suicide, frequently outperforming sadness alone, according to research.
However, clarity is required. Depression remains a significant risk factor, but it is neither necessary nor sufficient to explain suicide risk. The best way to understand suicide is as a multifactorial outcome where, especially for men, interpersonal detachment is a major contributing factor.
Sources: Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Sivagurunathan, M., Kealy, D., Rice, S. M., Seidler, Z. E., & Oliffe, J. L. (2023). Suicidal ideation among men during COVID-19: Examining the roles of loneliness, thwarted belongingness, and personality impairment. Scandinavian journal of psychology, 64(4), 401-408. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12904
Why it matters for men: The primary risk factors for many males may be overlooked if male suicide is largely framed as a mental health problem. Men who suffer from long-term loneliness, social rejection, a lack of purpose, or a sense of expendability may go unnoticed if prevention solely concentrates on detecting depression. Rebuilding connection, community, and meaning (areas where males are sometimes neglected) becomes more important when thwarted belongingness is acknowledged.
5. Men Discouraged from Vulnerability Because Women Prefer Them “Strong”
What was said: Men are discouraged from vulnerability because the women in their lives (wives/daughters) subconsciously prefer them to be "strong" rather than open (Emily W. King).
Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RC1919tTab0 (22 mil views)
Status: Needs clarification.
Details: There is no credible scientific proof that women prefer men to avoid vulnerability due to a subconscious or biological desire for strength over emotional transparency. Instead, gender preconceptions regarding emotional expression are widespread in many countries and are supported by both men and women. Numerous investigations of ideas about emotional conduct have shown that people tend to think that women should be more emotionally expressive, while men should be stoic. These gendered expectations are not intrinsic inclinations of women for "strong" men; rather, they are taught through socialization and societal conventions.
Furthermore, there is little evidence in the literature on mate preferences that women generally choose emotional repression or stoicism in men. Women's preferences for partners differ depending on the situation (e.g., short-term vs. long-term, resource availability, cultural norms). While characteristics like strength or stability may be valued in some situations, emotional intelligence and vulnerability are also connected to partner attraction and relationship satisfaction. According to research, trust, emotional transparency, and encouraging communication are important in long-term partnerships for both men and women. Particular stereotypically masculine characteristics, such as physical formidability, may be deemed appealing in particular situations, according to certain research, but this does not mean that women generally reject or fear vulnerability in men.
Crucially, gender norms and social stigma, rather than women's explicit or implicit preferences, are mostly to blame for men's unease with vulnerability. Emotional disclosure is often discouraged by masculine norms, and men often express fear of being judged or ridiculed when they display vulnerability; this is more a reflection of societal stigma than partner desire.
Sources: Garza, R., Pazhoohi, F., & Byrd-Craven, J. (2021). Women’s preferences for strong men under perceived harsh versus safe ecological conditions. Evolutionary Psychology, 19(3), 14747049211032351. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049211032351.
Timmers, M., Fischer, A., & Manstead, A. (2003). Ability versus vulnerability: Beliefs about men's and women's emotional behaviour. Cognition and emotion, 17(1), 41-63. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930302277.
Why it matters for men: Guys may be discouraged from forming meaningful relationships and healthy emotional expression if they believe that women prefer emotionally distant or stoic guys. Men may repress critical emotional needs, refrain from asking for assistance, and continue to isolate themselves as a result, all of which are associated with worse mental health. Men can feel more comfortable expressing vulnerability, forming genuine connections, and seeking emotional support without worrying about being judged or rejected when they understand that expectations about male strength are driven by social standards rather than women's innate inclinations.
6. Marriage Benefits for Men Compared to “Regular” Relationships.
What was said: Men get zero benefits from marriage that they wouldn't get in a "regular" relationship (Manly Matters).
Link: https://youtu.be/d0xN1PbuYp8 (3.4 mil views)
Status: False (Context below)
Details: In comparison to men who are single, cohabiting, divorced, or widowed, a large body of data shows that married males typically have clear advantages in terms of longevity, psychological well-being, and physical health. Even after adjusting for lifestyle and socioeconomic variables, large epidemiological studies consistently show that married men live longer and have a lower mortality risk than their single contemporaries. For instance, compared to single men, married men are much less likely to die from cardiovascular disease and frequently have longer survival rates following serious diseases. These effects are greater than those often seen in cohabiting men, suggesting that marriage offers special health benefits, perhaps because of its legal, social, and social support systems.
Additionally, males who are married are more likely to have regular medical treatment, lead healthier lifestyles, engage in fewer risky behaviours, and have better mental health outcomes. Married males benefit from their spouse's emotional and social support and report lower levels of psychological anguish and sadness. The strong consistency of health and longevity advantages in marriage shows benefits beyond being in a committed partnership, even though intimate nonmarital partnerships can provide companionship and support.
Nevertheless, the quality of the marriage is important; unhappy marriages do not provide these advantages and may even be detrimental to one's health and well-being.
Sources: Harvard Health. (2019, June 5). Marriage and men’s health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health
Austin, D. (2025, September 18). There are real health benefits to getting married—even later in life. Science. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/marriage-health-longevity-benefits
Why it matters for men: Marriage provides men with unique health, social, and structural benefits. These include longer life expectancy, better mental health, and greater stability. This is beyond what casual relationships offer. Understanding these advantages helps men make informed decisions and recognize the long-term value of committed partnerships.
7. Male Depression Is Often Treated Like Female Depression.
What was said: Male depression is often treated like female depression, but men need to feel "capable" rather than "loved" (Ben Francis on Chris Williamson).
Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/q8QvThdTZcA (3.5 mil views)
Status: Needs clarification.
Details: There is evidence that gender norms might affect how symptoms are expressed and managed, and that many men experience depression differently from many women. For instance, studies reveal that while men may display depression through externalizing behaviors like irritability, substance abuse, and risk-taking. These are the behaviours that may go unnoticed in standard evaluations. Traditional diagnostic criteria and clinical approaches have historically emphasized emotional symptoms (e.g., sadness), which are more frequently reported by women.
Men's reactions to assistance can also be influenced by gender norms and socialization. Men may be socialized to value competence, agency, and problem-solving, and they may find it uncomfortable when treatment is framed primarily around emotional support or vulnerability because this may go against internalized norms about strength and autonomy.
The specific assertion that males "need to feel capable rather than loved" in general, however, is unduly simplified and not entirely supported by peer-reviewed studies. Clinical evidence supports a combination of emotional, cognitive, and behavioural therapies for treating depression in males, even if certain men may react better to goal-oriented or skills-based therapeutic strategies (e.g., behavioural activation, organized problem-solving). Men may attend fewer sessions or participate differently in therapy, although standard therapies like cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) have been demonstrated to be beneficial for both sexes.
Sources: Thase, M. E., Reynolds, C. F., Frank, E., Simons, A. D., McGeary, J., Fasiczka, A. L., ... & Kupfer, D. J. (1994). Do depressed men and women respond similarly to cognitive behavior therapy?. The American Journal of Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.151.4.500
Stiawa, M., Müller-Stierlin, A., Staiger, T., Kilian, R., Becker, T., Gündel, H., ... & Krumm, S. (2020). Mental health professionals view about the impact of male gender for the treatment of men with depression qualitative study. BMC psychiatry, 20(1), 276. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02686-x
Why it matters for men: This distinction is important because misinterpreting male depression can result in treatment disengagement, underdiagnosis, or dropout. Men may perceive assistance as weakness rather than support when depression treatment is provided in ways that go against their sense of self, such as stressing passivity or dependency without agency. However, completely ignoring emotional connection might exacerbate loneliness, a major risk factor for male suicide. Therefore, rather than viewing agency, purpose, and capability as mutually exclusive, effective mental health care for males necessitates combining them with emotional support.
8. Men and Women’s Conversational Orientation: “120° vs. 180°”
What was said: Men talk at a 120° angle (shoulder-to-shoulder) while women talk at 180° (face-to-face) (Louise Perry).
Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/FryulQAiqIA (4.3 mil views)
Status: True but needs clarification.
Details: This claim reflects well-documented patterns in gendered communication styles shaped by socialization and cultural norms. Men often build connections shoulder-to-shoulder, through shared activities and a mutual outward focus. Women, on the other hand, more commonly connect face-to-face through direct conversation, eye contact, and emotional exchange. For many men, bonding emerges “by stealth”: meaningful conversation unfolds alongside doing something together (sports, projects, walking), which reduces interpersonal intensity and pressure while fostering trust through shared experience.
For many women, face-to-face interaction supports emotional intimacy, attentive listening, and the reading of non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and tone.
These tendencies are frequently attributed to gendered socialization. Men are encouraged toward action, competition, and emotional restraint; women are encouraged toward communication, nurturing, and relational attunement. Some evolutionary perspectives also suggest complementary interaction patterns rooted in historical roles, though these remain theoretical and non-deterministic. Importantly, these are broad patterns with substantial individual, cultural, and situational variation.
In modern contexts, men and women readily cross these modes: men may prefer direct, face-to-face dialogue in supportive settings, and women often bond deeply through shared activities. Interpreted this way, the claim is a useful shorthand for understanding how connection may feel safest or most natural for different people, rather than a fixed rule about posture or angles.
Sources: Wikipedia contributors. (2026, January 11). You just don’t understand. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don%27t_Understand
Boundless, Boundless Sociology, http://oer2go.org/mods/en-boundless/www.boundless.com/sociology/textbooks/boundless-sociology-textbook/index.html. (2020, October 31). Gender differences in social interaction. HUM210 Introduction to Women and Gender Studies. https://viva.pressbooks.pub/hum210/chapter/gender-stratification-and-inequality-gender-differences-in-social-interaction
Why it matters for men: Understanding this metaphor helps prevent misinterpretation and relational frustration. Expecting men to open up primarily through intense, face-to-face emotional dialogue can feel overwhelming or unsafe, while dismissing women’s preference for direct engagement can feel emotionally neglectful. Recognizing that connection may emerge more easily for men when doing something together, and for women when focusing directly on each other, allows for more effective communication, empathy, and emotional safety across genders, especially in friendships, partnerships, and therapeutic settings.
9. Men Avoid Women Because They’ve Found Peace.
What was said: Men avoid women not because of an "internal war," but because they’ve found peace alone (Emily King).
Link: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/pYoRwYd6V3k (1.1 mil views)
Status: Needs clarification.
Details: The specific claim that males typically shun women because they've discovered peace on their own, rather than for other psychological or societal reasons, is not well supported by peer-reviewed studies. The reasons behind these decisions are intricate and multidimensional, and they cannot be boiled down to a straightforward story of "finding peace," despite recorded trends indicating that some men are waiting or choosing not to date and form long-term relationships.
According to academic and sociological research, men frequently encounter obstacles to close relationships that stem from emotional socialization, fear of vulnerability, and difficulty disclosing oneself. These issues are connected to traditional masculinity norms that discourage expressing needs or pursuing emotional connection. Because these behaviours go against gender standards regarding masculinity, men may find it difficult to engage in intimate behaviours like responsiveness and vulnerability. Men's avoidance of partnerships may be influenced by this, although it is more a reflection of social conditioning than a universal state of contented independence.
Furthermore, recent investigations reveal that a lot of single men express loneliness, discontent, and a desire for close relationships rather than tranquillity. For example, studies show that emotional difficulties and loneliness are common among single men, in part because socialization processes hinder emotional openness.
What is supported in research and commentary are specific reasons why men may avoid relationships, such as fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, lack of emotional readiness, prioritizing personal goals, or concerns about commitment, not inherently because they are content in solitude.
All things considered, the assertion has a component based on observed social trends (some men are cutting back on dating), but the interpretation that this is because men have "found peace alone" is not supported by reliable scientific data. Rather, research indicates that men's relationship decisions are influenced by a variety of psychological, cultural, and structural factors.
Sources: Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. (2025). Masculinity, social connection, and loneliness: A contextual behavioral science approach to men's social relationships and intimacy. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2025.100892
Volpe, A. (2025, September 23). Why are single men so miserable? Vox. https://www.vox.com/even-better/458700/single-men-mental-health-romance-friendship-relationships-masculinity
Why it matters for men: The true psychological and societal elements that influence men's participation in intimate relationships might be obscured by false narratives such as "men avoid women because they've found peace alone." Instead of promoting oversimplified explanations that ignore the complexity of human motivations and gender norms, it is crucial to understand why some men opt out, including fears about vulnerability, emotional expression, social expectations, economic pressures, and shifting gender roles.
10. Men Don’t Praise Each Other Directly.
What was said: Men don't tell their friends they are proud of them directly; instead, they use insults like "GG Noob" or "you're whipped" to mask positive emotions (Dr. K (HealthyGamerGG).
Status: True but needs clarification. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3Xp2z84Vcs (1.6 mil views)
Details: Particularly in cultural contexts where traditional norms discourage overt expressions of vulnerability among men, some psychological research and sociological commentary suggest that men's friendships and communication styles frequently involve more banter, teasing, or ironic language than explicit emotional expression. Studies on irony and gender reveal that ironic remarks, such as mock or ironic praise, are used by both sexes and can be viewed differently based on personal style and situation. According to some research, men may employ certain linguistic patterns to subtly convey a relationship while avoiding emotional vulnerability. Men who score higher on affiliative humour, for instance, may employ humorous irony or sarcasm in social situations to establish rapport without expressing their feelings directly.
Playful taunts or mocking among male friends can serve as a type of affection or bonding, according to qualitative observations and sociological commentary, especially in societies where men are not encouraged to express their emotions directly. The view that some men utilize mock insults or mocking among friends as a normative behaviour that can indicate friendship rather than antagonism is reflected in online discussions from social forums, and that some men may find direct praise uncomfortable due to cultural norms.
Nevertheless, there isn't any concrete, peer-reviewed research that definitively shows that males choose this method as the main or exclusive way to show pride or affection. Instead of a fixed psychological rule, the research points to tendencies impacted by socialization, societal norms, and individual differences. As a result, while the claim is oversimplified and needs more depth, it does incorporate parts of observable social trends.
Sources: Milanowicz, A., Tarnowski, A., & Bokus, B. (2019). When Sugar-Coated Words Taste Dry: The Relationship between Gender, Anxiety, and Response to Irony. Front. Psychol. 8: 2215. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg. 2017.02215 When Sugar-Coated Words Taste Dry: The Relationship between Gender. Humor and Laughter, Playfulness and Cheerfulness: Upsides and Downsides to a Life of Lightness, 92090. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.02215.
Why it matters for men: It's important to comprehend this topic because simplistic assertions about men's emotional expression can perpetuate stereotypes and mask the influence of social and cultural standards. While some men may use sarcastic language and fun taunting to subtly convey positive emotions, direct emotional expression is still a legitimate and beneficial form of communication, and not all men use humour or insults to connect. Understanding the variety of men's communication methods and how social expectations influence them helps prevent stereotypes that could marginalize men who express their emotions in diverse ways.
Further Reading & Citations
Austin, D. (2025, September 18). There are real health benefits to getting married—even later in life. Science. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/marriage-health-longevity-benefits
Boundless, Boundless Sociology, http://oer2go.org/mods/en-boundless/www.boundless.com/sociology/textbooks/boundless-sociology-textbook/index.html. (2020, October 31). Gender differences in social interaction. HUM210 Introduction to Women and Gender Studies. https://viva.pressbooks.pub/hum210/chapter/gender-stratification-and-inequality-gender-differences-in-social-interaction
Brase, G. L., & Dillon, M. H. (2022). Digging deeper into the relationship between self-esteem and mate value. Personality and Individual Differences, 185, 111219. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2021.111219
Carter, G. L., Campbell, A. C., & Muncer, S. (2014). The dark triad personality: Attractiveness to women. Personality and Individual Differences, 56, 57-61. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.08.021
Garza, R., Pazhoohi, F., & Byrd-Craven, J. (2021). Women’s preferences for strong men under perceived harsh versus safe ecological conditions. Evolutionary Psychology, 19(3), 14747049211032351. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049211032351.
Goldman, B. (2017). Two Minds.' https://www.case.org/system/files/media/inline/Stanforduniversity5Btwo%20minds.pdf
Harvard Health. (2019, June 5). Marriage and men’s health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health
Johnson, D. P., & Whisman, M. A. (2013). Gender differences in rumination: A meta-analysis. Personality and individual differences, 55(4), 367-374. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.03.019
Kwang, T., Crockett, E. E., Sanchez, D. T., & Swann Jr, W. B. (2013). Men seek social standing, women seek companionship: Sex differences in deriving self-worth from relationships. Psychological Science, 24(7), 1142-1150. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612467466
Martin, L. A., Neighbors, H. W., & Griffith, D. M. (2013). The experience of symptoms of depression in men vs women: analysis of the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. JAMA psychiatry, 70(10). https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.1985
Milanowicz, A., Tarnowski, A., & Bokus, B. (2019). When Sugar-Coated Words Taste Dry: The Relationship between Gender, Anxiety, and Response to Irony. Front. Psychol. 8: 2215. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg. 2017.02215 When Sugar-Coated Words Taste Dry: The Relationship between Gender. Humor and Laughter, Playfulness and Cheerfulness: Upsides and Downsides to a Life of Lightness, 92090. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.02215.
Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. (2025). Masculinity, social connection, and loneliness: A contextual behavioral science approach to men's social relationships and intimacy. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2025.100892
Nexomen. (2025, December 15). Why some men avoid commitment and how to overcome it. Nexomen. https://www.nexomen.com/post/why-some-men-avoid-commitment-how-overcome
Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Sivagurunathan, M., Kealy, D., Rice, S. M., Seidler, Z. E., & Oliffe, J. L. (2023). Suicidal ideation among men during covid‐19: Examining the roles of loneliness, thwarted belongingness, and personality impairment. Scandinavian journal of psychology, 64(4), 401-408. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12904
Qureshi, C., Harris, E., & Atkinson, B. E. (2016). Relationships between the age of females and attraction to the Dark Triad personality. Personality and Individual Differences, 95, 200-203. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.047
Stiawa, M., Müller-Stierlin, A., Staiger, T., Kilian, R., Becker, T., Gündel, H., ... & Krumm, S. (2020). Mental health professionals view about the impact of male gender for the treatment of men with depression-a qualitative study. BMC psychiatry, 20(1), 276. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-020-02686-x
Thase, M. E., Reynolds, C. F., Frank, E., Simons, A. D., McGeary, J., Fasiczka, A. L., ... & Kupfer, D. J. (1994). Do depressed men and women respond similarly to cognitive behavior therapy?. The American Journal of Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.151.4.500.
Timmers, M., Fischer, A., & Manstead, A. (2003). Ability versus vulnerability: Beliefs about men's and women's emotional behaviour. Cognition and emotion, 17(1), 41-63. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930302277.
Volpe, A. (2025, September 23). Why are single men so miserable? Vox. https://www.vox.com/even-better/458700/single-men-mental-health-romance-friendship-relationships-masculinity
Wikipedia contributors. (2026, January 11). You just don’t understand. Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Just_Don%27t_Understand
Zuckerman, M., Li, C., & Hall, J. A. (2016). When men and women differ in self-esteem and when they don’t: A meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality, 64, 34-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2016.07.007
Transcript
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
Some of the most viral masculinity
advice online is built on real,
2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,210
but in complete data, and it can
steer guys into some dark places.
3
00:00:06,630 --> 00:00:09,120
My team pulled together 10 clips
that are making the rounds right now.
4
00:00:09,150 --> 00:00:12,330
Most of the creators behind ’em are
people I respect, and I suspect many
5
00:00:12,330 --> 00:00:14,550
of ’em would actually agree with
the nuance we’re gonna add today.
6
00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:18,540
I also wanna say this, making
short form content is hard.
7
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,480
It’s hard to remain
accurate and not do damage.
8
00:00:21,990 --> 00:00:25,290
It’s much harder than I ever imagined
before building this channel myself.
9
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:26,430
I couldn’t do it on my own.
10
00:00:26,849 --> 00:00:29,909
Fact checking yourself is incredibly
hard, and even with the staff we now
11
00:00:29,909 --> 00:00:31,380
have, there’s still occasional misses.
12
00:00:31,709 --> 00:00:33,870
That’s part of why we give
citations and fact checks on
13
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,099
every full episode we put out.
14
00:00:35,580 --> 00:00:38,519
That said, some of these takes
are more than just misinformation.
15
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,310
They’re actively destructive
of taking a biggest value.
16
00:00:41,519 --> 00:00:42,780
Let’s get into it.
17
00:00:43,170 --> 00:00:43,800
Let’s see.
18
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:48,450
The first one is younger women are
attracted to dark triad traits.
19
00:00:49,379 --> 00:00:50,519
Let’s see what’s going on here.
20
00:00:52,335 --> 00:00:55,695
Younger women are more likely
to be attracted to men who
21
00:00:55,695 --> 00:00:57,255
show dark triad traits.
22
00:00:58,485 --> 00:01:06,015
Narcissistic Machiavellian and
psychopathic people who have
23
00:01:06,015 --> 00:01:10,305
those traits are characterized
by the mimicry of competence.
24
00:01:10,365 --> 00:01:14,085
And so what women want in men more than
anything else is competent generosity.
25
00:01:17,550 --> 00:01:21,450
All right, so there’s Jordan Peterson
kind of, uh, doing his thing a little bit.
26
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,950
First, let’s honor that someone else cut
this clip up, not Dr. Peterson, so it may
27
00:01:25,950 --> 00:01:27,510
be more nuanced in a longer discussion.
28
00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:29,790
On the surface of it,
this is mostly correct.
29
00:01:30,060 --> 00:01:33,060
There are studies showing that
younger women, especially in short
30
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:36,660
term context, can rate men with
dark TRA traits as more attractive.
31
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,000
But the explanation being
offered here is off.
32
00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:42,480
The research doesn’t actually show that
women are attracted to psychopathy or
33
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,340
narcissism because they signal competence.
34
00:01:44,775 --> 00:01:47,955
What it shows is it traits
like confidence, boldness,
35
00:01:47,955 --> 00:01:50,835
and social dominance, which
can overlap with dark triad.
36
00:01:50,835 --> 00:01:53,295
Personalities can be compelling early on.
37
00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:55,995
The real variable here is in
gender, it’s age and experience.
38
00:01:56,055 --> 00:01:59,205
Younger people are more easily pulled
in by intensity and manipulation
39
00:01:59,535 --> 00:02:01,065
as people age and gain discernment.
40
00:02:01,065 --> 00:02:03,915
Attraction shifts towards
confidence plus kindness,
41
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,895
stability, and emotional regulation.
42
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,130
The danger of this framing
is that men here, if you want
43
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,600
women become manipulative.
44
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:15,100
And I don’t believe that’s the goal here,
or one that Dr. Peterson would agree with.
45
00:02:15,100 --> 00:02:15,730
If pressed.
46
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,230
The real takeaway isn’t to imitate the
dark traits, it’s to become genuinely
47
00:02:20,230 --> 00:02:24,310
competent as an adult, someone with
skills, values, and emotional maturity.
48
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:28,480
So you can build real adult relationships
instead of short term transactional ones.
49
00:02:28,570 --> 00:02:29,710
So that’s that one.
50
00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:33,490
Let’s take a look at what’s next.
51
00:02:38,130 --> 00:02:40,320
The key for a man is self-control.
52
00:02:40,350 --> 00:02:41,850
For women, it’s authenticity.
53
00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:45,390
You have to say authentic as possible
because our body tells us so much.
54
00:02:45,390 --> 00:02:47,970
Our body will tell you when you’re
craving a child, when you’re getting
55
00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:50,940
angry, because our hormones are
all over the place For a man, your
56
00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:52,680
body sometimes speaks against you.
57
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:53,880
It will crave pleasure.
58
00:02:53,910 --> 00:02:57,450
Your key to successful mental
health is complete and utter
59
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,520
self-control in terms of your mind.
60
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:00,380
Body and soul.
61
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,210
You control what you consume.
62
00:03:02,239 --> 00:03:04,549
You control who you put yourself into.
63
00:03:04,549 --> 00:03:06,170
You don’t go and sleep
with every single one.
64
00:03:06,170 --> 00:03:08,930
You actually gain far more
self-esteem when you reject
65
00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,430
women than when you accept women.
66
00:03:10,430 --> 00:03:14,359
That man that has women that he’s
rejecting feels far greater than that
67
00:03:14,359 --> 00:03:18,200
man who can’t say no to anybody because
he’s jumping at the opportunities.
68
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,700
Self-control even with what you eat.
69
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,760
When I have clients that come to me
and they’ve got a bit of depression,
70
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:25,490
I say to them, until you go to
the gym and until you lose weight.
71
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:27,640
There’s no conversation that
me and you can have that
72
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:28,750
will change your self-esteem.
73
00:03:28,780 --> 00:03:29,739
It won’t do it.
74
00:03:29,739 --> 00:03:30,820
Don’t have to have a six back.
75
00:03:30,820 --> 00:03:31,720
But self-control.
76
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:37,665
Now, when a man practices self-control,
he becomes such an unshakeable being, eh,
77
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:40,450
that’s close.
78
00:03:40,540 --> 00:03:42,010
Uh, but there’s some stuff missing here.
79
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,640
There’s power in no and
self-restraint, but framing it
80
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:46,720
this way is a bit destructive.
81
00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:50,320
Men do have problems with impulse
control when they’re younger.
82
00:03:50,670 --> 00:03:51,750
But that mostly levels out.
83
00:03:51,750 --> 00:03:54,450
By the time we’re in our thirties and
our frontal lobe catches up to women.
84
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,930
The idea that men aren’t as aware
of our poles as women is a problem.
85
00:03:58,170 --> 00:04:03,420
Our jobs as adults is to learn how our
body responds, our desires, and move
86
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:07,350
towards a life where those are in balance
with our values, not pure control.
87
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:10,650
This frame shames too many
guys having basic desires.
88
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,560
The idea that you gain self-worth
primarily through rejecting women
89
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,470
puts too much power in the response
of the world around you instead
90
00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:17,925
of your responses to the world.
91
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:20,575
It gives too much to
secondary relationships.
92
00:04:20,575 --> 00:04:23,155
Women out in the world instead
of women in your world.
93
00:04:23,245 --> 00:04:27,025
Friends, lovers, mentors, family,
the power of no leaves room for
94
00:04:27,025 --> 00:04:30,385
the power of yes to people and
things more in alignment with men.
95
00:04:30,385 --> 00:04:31,705
You wanna be, to her credit.
96
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:34,525
In her broader work, she talks a lot
about the importance of boundaries,
97
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,294
self-worth, and not chasing validation.
98
00:04:36,565 --> 00:04:38,155
And that’s a really useful point.
99
00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:41,155
But this one-liner version of
the clip overstates it by imply
100
00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:43,075
rejection itself boosts self-esteem.
101
00:04:43,675 --> 00:04:44,305
So that’s that one.
102
00:04:45,294 --> 00:04:46,315
Let’s take a look.
103
00:04:46,575 --> 00:04:47,895
What’s next?
104
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:53,955
Men are biologically
wired to think forward.
105
00:04:54,854 --> 00:04:56,625
Okay, glad we got geometry in our head.
106
00:04:56,625 --> 00:04:57,044
Let’s see.
107
00:04:59,985 --> 00:05:01,365
I think this will
resonate with all of you.
108
00:05:01,485 --> 00:05:04,905
Harvard University locked a group of
men in a room alone, a hundred of them,
109
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,255
and a group of women in a room alone.
110
00:05:06,315 --> 00:05:06,765
Okay?
111
00:05:06,885 --> 00:05:09,165
And they said, what did you
think about for 30 minutes?
112
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,425
The men, no surprise.
113
00:05:10,455 --> 00:05:11,265
Sex and sports.
114
00:05:11,265 --> 00:05:13,545
The young ladies, what did
they think of for 30 minutes?
115
00:05:13,575 --> 00:05:16,935
They replayed conversations that
they had in the last couple of days.
116
00:05:16,935 --> 00:05:18,225
For the record, a man.
117
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,870
Has never replayed
conversations that they’ve had.
118
00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:23,190
Our brains do that all the time.
119
00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:24,420
Our brains are different.
120
00:05:24,420 --> 00:05:24,810
Everybody.
121
00:05:24,810 --> 00:05:25,530
Do you really not do that?
122
00:05:25,535 --> 00:05:26,325
I feel like I overthink everything.
123
00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:26,790
No, of course not.
124
00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:30,000
You don’t think about conversations you’ve
never had like a shower arguments or like
125
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,410
shower thoughts or anything like that?
126
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:31,620
No.
127
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:33,660
That’s not society, my friend.
128
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,070
That is biology.
129
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,170
You are wired to have those rethought.
130
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:37,800
We aren’t.
131
00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:39,000
It’s not a learned behavior.
132
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,980
It’s not about dolls,
it’s not about dresses.
133
00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:43,710
Our biology, our brains
are made differently.
134
00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:44,325
Men are very.
135
00:05:44,740 --> 00:05:45,790
Forward thinking.
136
00:05:45,790 --> 00:05:46,750
What is next?
137
00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:48,610
The job, the interview tomorrow.
138
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:52,210
And not saying women aren’t, women
are very reflective that women
139
00:05:52,210 --> 00:05:56,170
are better at the more relational,
uh, type aspects of being a nurse
140
00:05:56,170 --> 00:05:57,220
or an elementary school teacher.
141
00:05:57,220 --> 00:05:59,230
Again, that’s not learned behavior.
142
00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:02,760
Yeah.
143
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:06,630
Um, men may lean more towards
direct action-oriented thinking on
144
00:06:06,630 --> 00:06:11,039
average, but the idea that men don’t
self-reflect is both false and dangerous.
145
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:14,190
It gives covered a bad behavior
by treating accountability as
146
00:06:14,190 --> 00:06:15,750
a biological impossibility.
147
00:06:15,780 --> 00:06:19,320
This is a classic example of
confusing descriptive averages
148
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,030
within prescriptive rules.
149
00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:24,150
Small population level tendencies
are being used to explain and
150
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:25,950
justify individual behavior.
151
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:30,450
Yes, there are modest average
differences in how men and women process
152
00:06:30,450 --> 00:06:33,360
emotion in conversation, but those
differences are widely overlapping
153
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,360
and heavily shaped by context and
training, not hardwired scripts.
154
00:06:36,420 --> 00:06:39,240
There’s also internal
inconsistency here that matters.
155
00:06:39,420 --> 00:06:41,880
The argument is coming from someone
whose public career was built
156
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,290
through debate and persuasion.
157
00:06:43,530 --> 00:06:48,030
In this case, Charlie Kirk, you don’t
get that good at public argument without
158
00:06:48,030 --> 00:06:49,560
treating conversation as a skill.
159
00:06:49,740 --> 00:06:53,190
Something you replay, analyze,
refine, and deliberately.
160
00:06:53,365 --> 00:06:56,695
Prove there is no version of success
that doesn’t involve reflection on
161
00:06:56,695 --> 00:06:59,605
what was said, how it landed, and
what could be done better next time.
162
00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:03,415
The deeper problem with this framing
is that it quietly gives people an out
163
00:07:03,415 --> 00:07:05,005
from self-awareness and accountability.
164
00:07:05,335 --> 00:07:08,845
If you believe you’re biologically
wired not to reflect, you never
165
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:12,325
have the practice of reflection, but
reflection is how competence is built.
166
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:14,995
You don’t get good at leadership
strategy or decision making.
167
00:07:15,155 --> 00:07:18,335
Without reviewing what you said, what
you missed, and where you need to grow.
168
00:07:18,364 --> 00:07:22,234
In the military, we do after action
reports, hot washes and systemic reviews
169
00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:26,195
of critical incidents to near obsessive
degrees, because that’s how performance
170
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,695
improves and people stay alive.
171
00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:31,505
Saying men are wired to think forward
and women are wired to reflect isn’t
172
00:07:31,505 --> 00:07:33,155
just reductive, it’s dangerous.
173
00:07:33,335 --> 00:07:34,684
Healthy humans do both.
174
00:07:34,835 --> 00:07:38,224
Men may lean one way on average,
and women may lean one way on the
175
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:41,434
other, but maturity is the ability
to do both across the full range.
176
00:07:41,554 --> 00:07:44,135
The word of belongingness
and male suicide.
177
00:07:47,474 --> 00:07:48,409
Viewer discretion is advised.
178
00:07:49,050 --> 00:07:49,920
Let’s look at suicide.
179
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:53,520
So the number one thing that
correlates with male suicide is not
180
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,110
depression, and this is super scary.
181
00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:58,560
There’s one study I saw recently
that suggests that 50% of men who
182
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,710
kill themselves have no history
or evidence of mental illness.
183
00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:04,770
I believe the statistic in, in my
clinical practice, because I know what
184
00:08:04,770 --> 00:08:07,950
depression looks like, I know what
bipolar disorder looks like, and half
185
00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:09,255
the men that I’ve worked with at least.
186
00:08:09,635 --> 00:08:11,344
Are not actually mentally ill see.
187
00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:14,315
Mental illness means a pathology
of the mind, which means that
188
00:08:14,315 --> 00:08:15,305
the mind is malfunctioning.
189
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,335
Most of the suicidal men that I work
with, their mind isn’t malfunctioning.
190
00:08:18,335 --> 00:08:21,094
They genuinely have a life
that is no longer worth living.
191
00:08:21,425 --> 00:08:24,455
They’re looking at things and objectively
realizing that there’s no way out of
192
00:08:24,455 --> 00:08:26,344
the situation, so they turn to suicide.
193
00:08:26,430 --> 00:08:29,070
So I know it’s kind of like a
very controversial statement, but
194
00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:31,050
I think that’s what my clinical
practice has shown and there’s
195
00:08:31,050 --> 00:08:32,370
some research to even back that up.
196
00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,409
So if we sort of look at what’s
going on with men, we’re sort
197
00:08:34,409 --> 00:08:35,820
of, they have nowhere to turn to.
198
00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:38,669
And the number one thing that correlates
with it is not mental illness, but
199
00:08:38,669 --> 00:08:40,590
is a sense of thwarted belongingness.
200
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:44,370
But basically what happens is what causes
people to kill themselves is they try to
201
00:08:44,370 --> 00:08:46,260
connect with others and they get rejected.
202
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:50,610
Dr. K bringing the heat.
203
00:08:51,270 --> 00:08:54,720
Uh, I love Dr. K. We owe him a lot
for getting good information in front
204
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:55,795
of guys and speaking to their needs.
205
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,860
I model a lot of what we’re
trying to do here off of his
206
00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:00,270
work, and he’s spot on here.
207
00:09:00,270 --> 00:09:03,780
Men’s issues are often overly
focused on individual responsibility
208
00:09:04,020 --> 00:09:06,660
with little acknowledgement of
the systems causing the struggles.
209
00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:09,690
This goes back to an ad adjunct
fond of if a guy’s living in his
210
00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:13,320
car, depression isn’t his primary
problem, he’s living in a damn car.
211
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:18,300
If we wanna save more guys, we need to
focus on both their internal process and
212
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:22,260
skill and the systems and communities
that are needed for fulfilled life.
213
00:09:22,755 --> 00:09:23,655
God love Dr. K.
214
00:09:23,655 --> 00:09:24,705
He always brings the good stuff.
215
00:09:25,455 --> 00:09:27,795
Let’s see what number five is gonna be.
216
00:09:29,685 --> 00:09:34,065
Men discouraged from vulnerability
because women prefer them strong.
217
00:09:34,575 --> 00:09:35,805
The feeling, I know who this is.
218
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,060
I interview men for the first four.
219
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:43,515
I did not interview men for the first
four years of my study, and it wasn’t
220
00:09:43,515 --> 00:09:45,825
until a man looked at me one day
after a book signing and said, I love
221
00:09:45,825 --> 00:09:47,175
what you have to say about shame.
222
00:09:47,775 --> 00:09:49,455
I’m curious why you didn’t mention men.
223
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:50,775
And I said, I don’t study men.
224
00:09:51,795 --> 00:09:53,265
And he said, that’s convenient.
225
00:09:57,825 --> 00:09:58,725
And I said, why?
226
00:09:58,725 --> 00:10:05,235
And he said, because you say to reach
out, tell our story, be vulnerable.
227
00:10:06,885 --> 00:10:09,735
But you see those books you just signed
for my wife and my three daughters?
228
00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:16,425
I said, yeah, they’d rather me die on top
of my white horse than watch me fall down.
229
00:10:19,830 --> 00:10:24,990
When we reach out and be vulnerable,
we get the shit beat out of us and
230
00:10:24,990 --> 00:10:28,230
don’t tell me it’s from our, the
guys and the coaches and the dads,
231
00:10:30,570 --> 00:10:32,850
because the women in my life are
harder on me than anyone else.
232
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:38,490
Yeah, I love that she uses her platform
for this and continues to do so.
233
00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:41,970
This is from BNE Brown’s,
uh, 2012 Ted Talk.
234
00:10:42,765 --> 00:10:45,435
And that feeling has been
omnipresent for most of the guys
235
00:10:45,435 --> 00:10:46,845
I’ve worked with in the last decade.
236
00:10:46,935 --> 00:10:50,205
What it doesn’t speak to is that in
the majority of cases, when my guys
237
00:10:50,205 --> 00:10:53,025
learn how to express their emotion
effectively, the women in their
238
00:10:53,025 --> 00:10:54,585
lives usually step up and hear ’em.
239
00:10:54,795 --> 00:10:58,605
This usually comes down to guys getting
so scared of being seen as weak,
240
00:10:58,755 --> 00:11:01,725
but the only time they talk about
insecurity is when they break, which
241
00:11:01,725 --> 00:11:05,115
leads to this cycle of ineffective
communication confirming their fears.
242
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:07,849
That women won’t love you
if they see all of you.
243
00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:12,109
Most guys have this fear and
it’s founded when we do it badly.
244
00:11:12,109 --> 00:11:13,579
It overwhelms relationships.
245
00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:17,239
I’ve lost loved ones and important
people in this cycle, but I promise
246
00:11:17,239 --> 00:11:20,180
if you get good, if you learn how to
regulate and express your emotions and
247
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:23,599
worries, people often show up in ways
that astound you, and if they don’t,
248
00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:25,250
it leaves room for those who will.
249
00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:29,750
I see it every week, and I love that
she’s just like doing a reaction video
250
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:32,000
pointing at Brene Brown’s awesomeness.
251
00:11:32,479 --> 00:11:33,319
I guess that works.
252
00:11:33,890 --> 00:11:34,609
22 million.
253
00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:34,729
Okay.
254
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:42,194
Let’s see, November 6th, marriage
benefits for men compared to
255
00:11:42,194 --> 00:11:44,444
regular quote unquote relationships.
256
00:11:45,135 --> 00:11:45,765
Okay.
257
00:11:49,454 --> 00:11:52,095
Name one benefit that a man gets
from a marriage that he wouldn’t
258
00:11:52,095 --> 00:11:53,235
get in a regular relationship.
259
00:11:53,835 --> 00:11:55,095
Just one, I think.
260
00:11:55,305 --> 00:11:56,745
I think a lot of men.
261
00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,990
Who who choose to get married are
incentivized by the fact that they are
262
00:12:00,990 --> 00:12:02,430
able to claim that woman is theirs.
263
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,800
And they know, but, but one benefit that
they would, I mean, I help you, you let
264
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,770
her answer, get in a marriage that they
wouldn’t get in a regular relationship.
265
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:10,500
Well, I think even though it’s not a
hundred percent, there’s peace of mind
266
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,060
that that woman is not gonna be loyal.
267
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:12,940
The answer is none.
268
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:13,350
The answer is there’s none.
269
00:12:13,350 --> 00:12:14,040
You’re dancing around it.
270
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:14,580
There is none.
271
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:17,400
So my thing is this, I think it’s
in a man’s best interest to stay
272
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,510
Peter Penn, as you would say.
273
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:19,815
And I think women shame men because.
274
00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:22,460
Men get, gain their
value in their forties.
275
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,410
Men understand the sexual
marketplace better.
276
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:27,290
They understand that women have no
leverage in their forties and they date
277
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:30,320
down and they get younger, more attractive
girls, and that’s the best way to go.
278
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,050
In today’s day and age where we live in
a deregulated sexual marketplace where
279
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:36,410
women could take everything they got, take
their kids, et cetera, why the hell would
280
00:12:36,410 --> 00:12:37,910
a guy want to commit to women nowadays?
281
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,150
Well, okay, when honestly,
we got whole inflammation.
282
00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:44,030
I think it’s also setting a good
example to children, that you have a
283
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,400
family nucleus, and I think there’s
something to be said about that.
284
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,775
Well, you can do that without the state
getting involved in getting married.
285
00:12:48,775 --> 00:12:49,015
You know what?
286
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:50,490
That was a little rough.
287
00:12:50,790 --> 00:12:51,240
Um.
288
00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:56,010
The sexual marketplace, uh, some of
the most isolated men I work with
289
00:12:56,010 --> 00:12:59,310
are actually started out being very
successful in the sexual marketplace.
290
00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:02,850
Not because sex is bad, but
because market driven, unconnected
291
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,650
sex doesn’t build attachment.
292
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,130
That kind of sex is like hot and
candy in the relationship context.
293
00:13:08,130 --> 00:13:09,090
It tastes good.
294
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,190
It’s exciting, but it doesn’t nourish you.
295
00:13:11,495 --> 00:13:15,425
And if it becomes the main thing, it often
leaves you emptier than when you started.
296
00:13:15,485 --> 00:13:17,675
That’s why this whole argument
rests on an ineffective frame.
297
00:13:17,945 --> 00:13:22,385
Treating relationships like a market
optimized for short-term success, not
298
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:27,755
long-term wellbeing, ugh, by nearly
every metric we have health, happiness,
299
00:13:27,755 --> 00:13:29,465
stability, and long-term fulfillment.
300
00:13:29,495 --> 00:13:32,585
Married men do better on average, and
it’s not just about living together.
301
00:13:32,585 --> 00:13:36,335
Marriage brings social recognition,
shared norms, legal, security, and a
302
00:13:36,335 --> 00:13:39,725
level of commitment that most informal
relationships just don’t replicate.
303
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,830
Now bad marriages can
absolutely destroy people.
304
00:13:43,830 --> 00:13:44,700
That is real.
305
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:48,510
But instead of using those cautionary
stories as reasons to avoid commitment
306
00:13:48,510 --> 00:13:50,580
altogether, a healthier takeaway is this.
307
00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:54,870
Choose carefully build skill and
maintain a marriage worth having.
308
00:13:57,030 --> 00:13:58,080
Alright, let’s see.
309
00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,310
Where are we up to next?
310
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:04,680
Seven male depression is often
treated like female depression.
311
00:14:05,730 --> 00:14:06,390
That’s probably good.
312
00:14:08,850 --> 00:14:11,460
He said that male depression gets
treated like female depression.
313
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:11,550
Mm-hmm.
314
00:14:11,790 --> 00:14:14,160
Men are made to feel loved
and accepted when they want
315
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,450
to feel capable and powerful.
316
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:19,200
And the problem that we had there was that
you were treating male depression and male
317
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,550
mental health, like female depression.
318
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:21,690
I had a brilliant upbringing.
319
00:14:21,690 --> 00:14:23,400
I’ve got great parents,
great grandparents.
320
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,380
And then I think about the
lessons that my dad taught me.
321
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,500
There’s two things that really stand
out once I rode my bike over my
322
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:31,290
neighbor’s lawn and he grabbed me around
the scruff of the neck and he said,
323
00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:32,880
you respect other people’s property.
324
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,625
You never do that again.
325
00:14:33,955 --> 00:14:35,065
You go and apologize.
326
00:14:35,095 --> 00:14:39,655
That for me was the male role model
was be tough, be strong, be respectful.
327
00:14:39,655 --> 00:14:40,345
There’s another one.
328
00:14:40,345 --> 00:14:43,195
And I remember when I’d done
something wrong and I was so upset
329
00:14:43,195 --> 00:14:45,265
and he just sat there and he went,
what are you gonna do about it?
330
00:14:45,265 --> 00:14:47,425
And that feeling of Ben,
you have to be strong.
331
00:14:47,425 --> 00:14:49,195
You have to take control of the situation.
332
00:14:49,195 --> 00:14:50,725
Things have to be much more tangible.
333
00:14:50,725 --> 00:14:51,925
What are you gonna do about it?
334
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:54,475
I didn’t wanna put someone just to
sit there and straight my ego and tell
335
00:14:54,475 --> 00:14:55,585
me that everything’s gonna be okay.
336
00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:59,070
And I’m okay the way I am because I
think that over a prolonged period
337
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:02,070
of time can definitely lead to
entitlement and I don’t think it’s
338
00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:03,120
the right thing In the long term.
339
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,105
Men depression gets
treated like depression.
340
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:05,730
That’s pretty good.
341
00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:08,550
This is largely right.
342
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:12,480
We often miss men’s depression and frame
it as anger issues and substance abuse.
343
00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:15,780
It’s a key point I cover when training
clinicians on working with my patients.
344
00:15:16,110 --> 00:15:19,260
It’s largely because on average,
women are better expressing their
345
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:20,580
emotional experience than guys.
346
00:15:21,030 --> 00:15:24,630
The overall idea that med needs some
structure and focus to feel better
347
00:15:24,810 --> 00:15:26,400
is usually true in my experience.
348
00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:30,330
What we wanna be careful of with this
one is that it isn’t one or the other.
349
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:34,410
We need compassion and care, balanced
with self-efficacy and accountability.
350
00:15:34,439 --> 00:15:37,319
Competence without connection
goes to dark, performative places.
351
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,560
And compassion without efficacy
is suffocating and disempowering.
352
00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:42,510
Without both, we lose guys.
353
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,890
So this is solid and I really like him
telling stories about him and his dead.
354
00:15:47,069 --> 00:15:49,140
That always goes great when
people touch those touchstones.
355
00:15:50,070 --> 00:15:56,670
Let’s see, what’s the next one we’re
gonna look at, number eight, men and
356
00:15:56,670 --> 00:15:58,980
women’s conversational orientation.
357
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:00,240
120 or 180.
358
00:16:00,630 --> 00:16:01,315
Yeah, this should be good.
359
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,600
Next time that you’re at a
party or any sort of gathering,
360
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,580
look at the angle of the feet.
361
00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:08,820
Mm-hmm.
362
00:16:09,150 --> 00:16:11,550
Of women talking to women
and of men talking to men.
363
00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:13,920
Women will talk to women 180 degrees.
364
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:13,980
Yeah.
365
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:15,090
They’ll be face to face.
366
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,970
Whereas men, the average is 120 degrees.
367
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:18,120
Yeah.
368
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,650
Once you see that, you can’t not see it.
369
00:16:19,830 --> 00:16:19,890
Yeah.
370
00:16:19,890 --> 00:16:22,080
And it’s a rule that works
across so many different things.
371
00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:23,850
The Men’s Sheds initiative.
372
00:16:23,855 --> 00:16:25,685
In Australia, did you see that?
373
00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:27,665
It was an initiative by
the Australian government?
374
00:16:27,665 --> 00:16:30,215
I think, uh, to try and
improve men’s mental health.
375
00:16:30,425 --> 00:16:33,425
They realized they’re getting men to
sit down in a room and talk like this
376
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:34,865
about their problems didn’t work.
377
00:16:35,105 --> 00:16:39,935
So what they did is they built sheds that
men came to, and then the men would bring
378
00:16:39,935 --> 00:16:42,695
like, I’ve got this knackered lawnmower,
and everyone needs to help fix it.
379
00:16:42,875 --> 00:16:44,105
So how are men talking?
380
00:16:44,285 --> 00:16:46,925
They’re talking whilst their
front brain is focused on this.
381
00:16:46,970 --> 00:16:49,700
Thing that’s in front and they are
shoulder to shoulder, not face to face.
382
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:49,940
Yeah.
383
00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:52,940
They’re literally in a circle and
everyone’s like, right, you, you, you’ve
384
00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:55,730
got the good drill and he’s got the
good spanner and I’ve got the hammer
385
00:16:55,730 --> 00:16:57,080
or whatever, and let’s fix this thing.
386
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,210
And God, dude, me and the
misses, we’re not getting on.
387
00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:01,850
Well, and before you know it,
it’s therapy session mediated
388
00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:02,900
by this fucking lawnmower.
389
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:04,160
Nice.
390
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,100
Like a therapy session
mediated by a lawnmower.
391
00:17:07,935 --> 00:17:09,675
Uh, let’s see here.
392
00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:10,905
This is largely true.
393
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,755
At a point I’ll often make many men
connect more comfortably, shoulder to
394
00:17:13,755 --> 00:17:17,085
shoulder through some kind of shared
activity within a mutual outward focus.
395
00:17:17,445 --> 00:17:20,565
While many women connect more easily
face-to-face through direct conversation
396
00:17:20,565 --> 00:17:24,165
and emotional exchange, you can
feel this difference immediately.
397
00:17:24,435 --> 00:17:27,585
When I square up face-to-face with a lot
of men, there’s a subtle tension that
398
00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:29,445
most guys can name when it’s pointed out.
399
00:17:29,805 --> 00:17:32,715
That’s why in therapy rooms, we
often angle the chairs that are
400
00:17:32,715 --> 00:17:34,575
closer to that 120 degree position.
401
00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:36,989
It lowers intensity and
makes it easier to talk.
402
00:17:37,439 --> 00:17:40,739
What’s usually missed though,
is that these aren’t endpoints.
403
00:17:41,070 --> 00:17:44,610
Side-by-side connection is often a
ramp for those deeper face-to-face
404
00:17:44,610 --> 00:17:49,169
intimate conversations with direct
emotional connection, and that direct
405
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:52,770
emotionally connected communication
can become a bridge to shared activity.
406
00:17:53,219 --> 00:17:55,530
There are plenty of women who bond
deeply through doing things together,
407
00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:58,800
and plenty of men who form powerful
emotionally direct relationships.
408
00:17:59,115 --> 00:18:02,745
Without any activity of scaffolding, the
postures differ, but the goal is the same.
409
00:18:03,045 --> 00:18:05,085
Trust, safety, and connection.
410
00:18:05,145 --> 00:18:05,655
This’s a good clip.
411
00:18:06,285 --> 00:18:07,425
Let’s see what’s up.
412
00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:09,645
Let’s see what’s next.
413
00:18:12,285 --> 00:18:15,315
A men avoid women
because they found peace.
414
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:15,375
Oh.
415
00:18:20,715 --> 00:18:26,505
Men saying, I’ve just decided
altogether to avoid women, that
416
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:28,515
it’s better to be single guys.
417
00:18:28,545 --> 00:18:33,135
They’re almost like happy about the
fact that they’re gonna make the choice
418
00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:39,765
to avoid the entire gender of women
because they have yet to actually resolve
419
00:18:39,825 --> 00:18:41,565
the war they have within themselves.
420
00:18:42,315 --> 00:18:44,805
It is not because they’re
fighting a war within themselves.
421
00:18:44,805 --> 00:18:49,005
It is because they found peace with
themselves and she was so close.
422
00:18:49,035 --> 00:18:52,845
She was just so close to getting there
because at least she’s recognizing what
423
00:18:52,845 --> 00:18:57,075
men are saying because they’re tired of
the complaining, the double standards,
424
00:18:57,075 --> 00:19:01,305
the expectations, and the risk of
losing everything that they’ve built.
425
00:19:01,370 --> 00:19:04,875
There is no unresolved internal
war going on in these men.
426
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:08,445
He just found peace and contentment
on his own instead of using that
427
00:19:08,445 --> 00:19:10,485
energy and effort on someone else.
428
00:19:11,255 --> 00:19:11,945
Okay.
429
00:19:13,025 --> 00:19:16,025
As a take on, a take, and it gets a
little sideways, uh, between the two.
430
00:19:16,025 --> 00:19:18,185
The first explanation is
actually closer to the truth.
431
00:19:18,785 --> 00:19:22,175
It’s very common for men with negative
and painful relationship patterns.
432
00:19:22,175 --> 00:19:25,865
To need time on their own stepping
back can create real peace, especially
433
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:28,715
if past relationships were marked
by double standards, unspoken
434
00:19:28,715 --> 00:19:31,055
expectations, and chronic conflict.
435
00:19:31,085 --> 00:19:35,615
Where this frame becomes dangerous is when
peace alone is treated as the destination
436
00:19:35,615 --> 00:19:36,605
instead of the training ground.
437
00:19:37,065 --> 00:19:39,795
Solitude can help you notice
unreasonable demands, clarify your
438
00:19:39,795 --> 00:19:42,315
standards and rebuild your self respect.
439
00:19:42,525 --> 00:19:44,835
But it’s not where
growth is meant to stop.
440
00:19:45,135 --> 00:19:48,225
If you’re a man who feels the
weight of unfair expectations
441
00:19:48,225 --> 00:19:51,525
or relational pressure, that
discomfort is useful information.
442
00:19:51,855 --> 00:19:55,365
Take the time to learn yourself, to
regulate and to find peace on your
443
00:19:56,205 --> 00:19:59,175
own, but then take that piece back
into the world and use it to build
444
00:19:59,175 --> 00:20:00,885
the best relationships of your life.
445
00:20:01,245 --> 00:20:03,255
I see this transition
all the time in my work.
446
00:20:03,255 --> 00:20:04,965
It’s one of my favorite
moments to witness.
447
00:20:05,264 --> 00:20:08,745
When guys take that time, they get
themselves together, and then they go out
448
00:20:08,745 --> 00:20:10,725
and find people worth connecting with.
449
00:20:10,995 --> 00:20:11,834
It’s beautiful.
450
00:20:12,165 --> 00:20:16,514
Don’t get trapped in this idea that
the isolated man is peaceful and happy.
451
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:19,034
It’s, we’re not meant to be alone.
452
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:26,235
All right, let’s take a
look at, uh, next one.
453
00:20:28,245 --> 00:20:28,385
Let’s see here.
454
00:20:31,165 --> 00:20:32,340
This might be the last one.
455
00:20:32,639 --> 00:20:34,980
Men don’t praise each other directly.
456
00:20:35,070 --> 00:20:35,340
Okay.
457
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:37,470
Let’s see.
458
00:20:40,770 --> 00:20:44,550
So my favorite example of how men
communicate differently is the negative
459
00:20:44,550 --> 00:20:46,350
expression of a positive affection.
460
00:20:46,350 --> 00:20:50,010
So when we like someone and we’re
proud of one of our homies, or our
461
00:20:50,010 --> 00:20:53,490
bros say that, I always like when he
says homie and bros. I don’t know why.
462
00:20:54,060 --> 00:20:54,210
Those.
463
00:20:54,210 --> 00:20:55,740
We don’t say that to them, right?
464
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,659
In fact, what we do is we
kind of dog them about it.
465
00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:00,330
If my friend has been single for a
while after a bad breakup and starts
466
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:02,639
dating someone else, then I feel
really proud and good about that.
467
00:21:02,669 --> 00:21:05,669
I don’t say, Hey, friend, I’m really
proud of you and I’m proud that you’ve
468
00:21:05,669 --> 00:21:10,794
been able to find someone who sees the
lovable qualities within you that I see.
469
00:21:11,115 --> 00:21:13,875
I’m proud that you found someone
who treats you the way that I
470
00:21:13,875 --> 00:21:16,455
think you deserve to be treated
in the history of humanity.
471
00:21:16,455 --> 00:21:19,845
I do not think that sequence of words
has ever been spoken by a single man.
472
00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:20,835
That’s not what we say.
473
00:21:20,865 --> 00:21:21,585
What do we say?
474
00:21:21,615 --> 00:21:24,585
We say, bruh, Gigi noob, you’re whipped.
475
00:21:24,675 --> 00:21:27,315
I guess we’ll never see you again,
and we’re smiling the whole time.
476
00:21:27,315 --> 00:21:28,875
We’re not like, I know you
haven’t been texting me.
477
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:29,475
I feel hurt.
478
00:21:29,475 --> 00:21:32,145
Instead of what we do is we
actually dog on this guy.
479
00:21:32,145 --> 00:21:34,065
We’ll say all this like misogynistic crap.
480
00:21:34,065 --> 00:21:37,545
But the whole time we’re like expressing
appreciation and smiling at him.
481
00:21:37,575 --> 00:21:37,755
Yeah.
482
00:21:38,835 --> 00:21:40,605
Dr. K is bringing good
information again here.
483
00:21:41,220 --> 00:21:44,670
Ball busting is absolutely a real
part of masculine communication,
484
00:21:44,850 --> 00:21:48,600
especially in environments with high
risk pressure performance demands In
485
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:52,890
those contexts, teasing is a way guys
test each other, pass along information,
486
00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:56,340
establish trust, and have fun without
escalating emotional exposure.
487
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:59,760
Over time, men learn to feel the
difference between good natured,
488
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,760
ball busting and actual bullying,
even though that distinction can be
489
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,500
very hard to see from the outside.
490
00:22:04,830 --> 00:22:08,220
That’s part of why masculine environments
can feel so confusing or even hostile
491
00:22:08,220 --> 00:22:09,570
to people who aren’t socialized in them.
492
00:22:09,855 --> 00:22:12,525
I’ve done separate work just on
how to host non masculine folks
493
00:22:12,525 --> 00:22:15,375
in those spaces because the rules
are subtle and easy to miss.
494
00:22:15,465 --> 00:22:18,045
The key clarification though, and
I’m sure that Dr. K would agree
495
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:21,195
with me, is that ball busting
is not the only way men connect.
496
00:22:21,525 --> 00:22:24,225
Healthy men need a full
range of connections.
497
00:22:24,435 --> 00:22:27,795
That might include joking with the guys,
but also includes having at least one
498
00:22:27,795 --> 00:22:31,335
person in your life that you can sit
across from and directly say, I’m proud
499
00:22:31,335 --> 00:22:33,020
of myself, I’m struggling, or I’m scared.
500
00:22:33,690 --> 00:22:36,720
When men only have one mode
of connection, we lose them.
501
00:22:36,930 --> 00:22:40,200
That range is what keeps men connected,
and it’s something that I don’t
502
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,430
think it’s talked about enough.
503
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,250
I think we always wanna frame it
as this very one way or the other.
504
00:22:44,580 --> 00:22:48,420
It’s not, you need both,
but this one’s valid.
505
00:22:48,420 --> 00:22:51,870
It’s a piece of us and it should give a
little bit more cred than it’s given one.
506
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:52,860
I think that’s the last of ’em.
507
00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:55,560
If it’s not, I’m sure the team will let me
know and I’ll throw another one in here.
508
00:22:56,159 --> 00:22:58,860
Uh, just like we said at the
beginning, this stuff is hard.
509
00:22:58,860 --> 00:23:02,189
Coming up with short form content
that is both useful and doesn’t
510
00:23:02,189 --> 00:23:03,659
hurt anybody is really tricky.
511
00:23:03,989 --> 00:23:06,840
Even with a full team and a fact
checker, we still get it messed up.
512
00:23:06,929 --> 00:23:09,479
Most of these folks are great
creators that have helped out a lot
513
00:23:09,479 --> 00:23:13,229
of people, and this is just kind of
the dangers of short form content.
514
00:23:13,229 --> 00:23:14,399
You can’t get the nuance in there.
515
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,440
I hope this was useful for you.
516
00:23:16,980 --> 00:23:19,170
You all have been really
helpful in keeping us honest.
517
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,660
Uh, some of the comments that we
got early on are a big part of why
518
00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:24,390
I finally hired a fact checker to
make sure that we get it right.
519
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:25,650
Please keep doing that.
520
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:26,790
And this one’s no different.
521
00:23:27,090 --> 00:23:28,140
What did I get wrong?
522
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:29,070
What did I get right?
523
00:23:29,070 --> 00:23:30,990
Is there anything that
I missed some nuance on?
524
00:23:31,290 --> 00:23:33,900
Even in a comment, you’re probably
speaking for what another guy
525
00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:36,600
sees, and maybe you’ll start a
conversation that helps us do better.
526
00:23:36,990 --> 00:23:38,220
I really appreciate you watching.
527
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,410
This is Tim Winkie with
American Masculinity.
528
00:23:40,410 --> 00:23:42,270
Wishing you the very best day.
529
00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:42,750
Take care.